Brett and I get along really well. I suppose we have adapted over the years to accept the small things about each other that, at first, may have drove us a bit crazy (love you sweetie :)). I’m convinced this is part of what separates successful couples from those that don’t work out. You can’t go through life trying to fundamentally change each other, there needs to be acceptance.
I’m an overbearing planner and rabid multitasker. I know this. I organize everything and I’m scheduling out the next three things while I’m doing anything. Brett is much more relaxed about planning. He will do things as they need to get done and thinks in a very linear way. The thought of what comes next doesn’t seem to clutter his mind like it does mine. These are definitely naturally complementary personality types but sometimes each of us can push the boundaries too far causing friction. I can plan out activities without asking for input (or sometimes not even considering the input that he has volunteered). Sometimes when we have a lot going on and very little time, I get annoyed that Brett isn’t jumping into action.
Today we had a bit of an argument. Not so much an argument but a short period of time where we weren’t so happy with each other. We were getting our bags ready for about a mile walk from our apartment in Split to the ferry terminal. We were trying to strap as many backpacks as we could to the rolling suitcases. I had strapped my heavy backpack to the rolling suitcase I was pulling but it wasn’t really stable. There was no way to strap the sides so that it didn’t flop over onto one side of the suitcase causing the whole thing to tip over. I had walked like this from the ferry to the airport a couple of days before so I knew it would work, I just might have to stop along the way to fix it a couple of times. Brett tried securing it and we couldn’t figure out a way to do it better so I was ready to start walking. He then suggested that I strap my bag to his suitcase, that already had a backpack attached, plus he was wearing a backpack that had a whole number of bags attached to it.
I said no, I’d prefer to keep it as it was. He asked again. ‘I’m fine’, I said. I was starting to get frustrated that he wasn’t listening to me. Then we just got out the door and my bag tipped. He asked again. ‘No, I’m good’, I said. ‘Why won’t you let me do this?, It would be so easy to just strap it on top of my suitcase’ he said. Now keep in mind that I hadn’t had breakfast and I had told him 3 times what I wanted to do. ‘Because I’m not going to be that woman walking down the street holding her purse while her husband is buried in bags shuffling after her, That’s Why!’. I didn’t think I yelled, but he did. When we stopped at the next traffic light he told me that he wouldn’t help me again no matter how bad I struggled. ‘Fine’ I said. After all that was all I was asking to begin with. But it was clear he was pissed. I apologized a few times and we got past it quickly.
I may not have thought about this in that particular moment but there’s no doubt that I have the most amazing partner in life. He would do anything to help me and he sets a great example for our children in what a father and husband should be. His example will help our boys grow up to be strong but kind men who respect their girlfriends and wives. So often I look at him and realize how lucky I am and how lucky our kids are to have him as a role model.
But in this situation on this particular day and after that argument, I was was thinking of the reasons why it is so important to me not to be the woman who needs her man to help her. After all, I’m not super conscious of what people around us are thinking. Besides wanting to feel like I am carrying my own weight (sometimes almost literally), the real reason is the example that I’m setting for Riley. She not only needs to see the caring, kind, and considerate side of her father, she also needs to see that her mama is strong, independent, and doesn’t need anyone’s help, even if now and then she does accept help. Then I looked over at my sweet Riley, walking with no backpack. Actually not carrying anything at all because she had complained so loudly and incessantly about how uncomfortable her backpack was and how hard it was to pull a suitcase.
Our solution was to strap her backpack to a suitcase and have Ronan pull it. What were we thinking? We stopped in our tracks and I had a discussion with Riley about how it was important that she be tough and strong. Even if it’s more comfortable to have others carry her things for her, she can’t always rely on someone to do that. In life there isn’t always someone there to pick up your load. We unstrapped her backpack from the suitcase and she carried it for the remainder of the walk to the ferry without complaining.
Parenting is hard. It would be so much easier to give in to stop the incessant whining and complaining. Teaching them lessons is so much harder than making them happy. Let’s hope that this one sticks and she continues to learn and believe that she is strong…as strong and capable as her brothers.